Swim

Sometimes you just don't know how bad things were, until it's behind you.

Time and distance allow you perspective that you otherwise don't have when you are right in thick of something. Because when you are unhappy in a situation, it brings you down, and you aren't able to even see or grasp just how down you are.

I feel like I was trapped under a sinking ship in the ocean. A massive, heavy ship that was going down, and I was bobbing under the water, coming back up to gasp for air, only to be pushed back down by a piece of the ship. Or sometimes sucked underwater by the suction of the ship; pulled down by the force. Many times I came up for air, and thought I was close to rescue. I grabbed a hold of life-saving implements in the water, but each time, I lost my grasp. Or it was pulled away from me.

But finally. Finally. I saved myself. I didn't rely on someone to pull me from the water. I swam to shore. I got away from the entire site and came out of the water on my own, feet on the ground, forging a new path.

And now that I've started on my new path on the new island, I can clearly see how bad it was out there. Now that I'm happy. Now that I'm connected. Now that I'm encouraged. Now that I am immersed in what I feel close to most. Now, I realize I went somewhere else for a while in my head. And I've only just now returned to my true self. I was drowning for too long. But I have put it behind me. And this post is a part of my closure.

The lesson I can take from this is that I will know what to do next time, if there is ever a next time. I suspect I won't be in that situation again. But if I am, I will know what to do and how to handle it. Grasping at flimsy hopes of rescue and salvation will get you nowhere. You have to make the decision to swim away. Even if it's a long way and it takes a long time.

Because determination and knowing you did it on your own is part of what will make you feel whole again.

And then you can finally breathe.

Change of Seasons:Change of Mind

The last week of August is upon me and I am in mourning for the passing of summer. The summer is MY time, MY season, and when I feel most alive. My birthday is in the summer - and I do think we tend to prefer the season we were born in - and I have just always enjoyed warm weather and all the things that come with summer.

But as I thought about the changes that will come with Fall, I thought about those places in the world that don't have a change of season at all. I live in Colorado, so seasons are very defined and can be narrowed down to certain months. I've never lived in a southern place that was perpetually warm and summery; nor a northern place where the mercury rarely rises. It seems utterly foreign to me, a place that doesn't have distinct changes to the seasons. Sometimes, because I love summer so much, I have declared that I would love to live in all-summer place. But when I really stop and think about it, I don't think that would suit me.

What if the four seasons are best for syncing with our own internal rhythms? We grow and change continually. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Each year we become slightly different. If we are doing things right, we get better every year. We become wiser, stronger, calmer, more content. And I know for me, when the seasons change, I notice a difference in my mood, my motivations, and thoughts arise about change and the future. I like the idea of riding nature's wave of seasons. Maybe they spur us into change and to evolve to our next stage.

So if you live in one of the always-warm-states, I'm not saying you are emotionally stunted. But maybe a trip to Colorado for Christmas would do you good? Just sayin'.
However I will be thinking of you with envy right around early January when it's 10 degrees and blowing snow.
;)

Authentic Self

A friend of mine recently said that she was saddened to realize that she feels she has gotten away from much of her authentic self, the person she was when she was younger, and the person she truly feels she is. She said she thinks this happened when she allowed her life to center around social norms, expectations, and perhaps pleasing others.

If you stop and think about it, hasn't everyone lost sight of their authentic self at least once in their lives? I know when I lost grip of mine. It was like a rope slipping through my fingers for years in an unhappy marriage. At times the rope actually flew out of my hands and I scrambled to find it again. But only when I left the situation did I pull hard on my rope and bring myself back to the beginning: Who I Am. And damn if that didn't that feel good and right.

What sort of influences or situations make us lose or weaken our authentic selves? Is identifying that it's happening the first step to getting back to our truth? I think it is. If you recognize that you are not being true to your being, then that can only be good for moving forward in the right direction. But sometimes I think people don't know it has happened, because they are so deep down in their reality that they maybe don't even remember who they are. But I don't think anyone can tell you . . . I believe it's something you must see on your own, want to change, and then take steps to return to your base.

30-Something Blues . . . and Reds

Okay. I've experienced a few years in my decade of 30's now. And I'm finally ready to write about it. Yes, it took me this long. You see, that jump from your 20's into your 30's is a tough one for most women I think. Especially since our culture seems to value being young, crazy and in your 20's. So 30 can feel a bit like you have left a fun vacation locale and are setting sail for a new, more mature and responsible world.

And yes, the 30's do come with new and sometimes tough things. Many women are mothers, and find very little time for themselves, and start to long for the days that didn't revolve around domestic duties, crying children and big financial decisions. And it's harder to keep that 20's figure anymore. The workouts need to be longer and tougher and targeted. You think twice about ordering those fries. Career-wise you may start to re-think your direction. No longer just working at a job out of college and happy to just have a paycheck, you may find yourself wanting to find something that truly fuels you and your life passions.

But despite the things above, I'm finally starting to see the perks of this decade. In fact, I'm head over heels in love with it. Released from much of the social pressure around looks and fashion, we are now free to embrace our personal style with grace, ease and no apologies. You realize it just doesn't matter if your outfit is spot-on/matches/is trendy/is what is expected. You figure out what works for you and run with it. You develop a signature look. It's extremely freeing.

Your 30's is a key decade for checking on the course of your career. Are you still on track for your goals and dreams? Or have you gone so off the map that you feel lost at sea? If it is time to jump ship or harbor in a different port, this is the perfect time to do it. You still have so much working time ahead of you (don't think too much about that) that a major career change is doable. Plus, as mentioned above, you can relax into your authentic self and may know more about what you want to for work.

The time is also right for complete honesty. You have nothing to lose by being honest with yourself. In fact, you OWE it to yourself. Take a big heaping helping of truth, with a side of introspection why don't you? Because once you start to examine what makes you truly happy, what hurts you, what you worry about, and what you need to feel alive, then you can live your life fully.

I'm not saying all this can only happen in your 30's, it's just been true for me. But I would love to hear what others think - are you experiencing/have you experienced the same feelings while in your 30's? Or did that come later, or earlier for you?

A Peaceful Death or At Peace with Death

I'm currently writing a character in my novel who is dying of a terminal illness. She knows she will die, and she has gone home to be made comfortable. She's only 35 years old. The part that makes it even more challenging to write is that she has completely come to terms with her impending demise and is at peace with the world. She only wants to experience wonderful things and the things that make her smile, in her last weeks on earth. I try to imagine how this would be, how it would feel, and I admit, it's tough to imagine. You would have to have gone through the stages of grief, acknowledged them, and set them free. Anger, denial, bargaining, etc. - you would shake their hands and bid them farewell. And how would you talk to you loved ones? The ones that will be left behind to start their own grief process from the beginning. How would you smile at them and tell them not to worry, not to be too sad, to celebrate your life and move forward? They wouldn't be in the same place as you so it would be near impossible for them to understand.

Do you think it takes a very brave person to become this way near death's end? Or do we all have the capacity to free our minds and be at peace with death?